remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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