Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
