I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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