Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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