Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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