why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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