I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
