Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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