is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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