You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
