After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
