She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
