I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
