She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
