U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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