why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
