Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
