I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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