***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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