I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize