I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
