and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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