yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
