Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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