I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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