I can tuck mytits in my pants
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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