If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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