You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
