life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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