so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
