Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
