i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
