Your face is a jimmy john
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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