She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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