tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
