dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
