I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
