i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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