Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
