Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
