Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize