I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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