she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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