Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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