I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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