I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
