He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
