we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
