I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
