Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
