i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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