I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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