This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
