that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
