You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
