This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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