The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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