I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
