Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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