If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
