He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
