I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
