I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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