omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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