bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
