This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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