Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize