This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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